walk with me as i walk with Him
im so distraught.
i’ve realized, ridiculously late, that my cycle of brokenness has not yet even begun to cease. i mean, it is a cycle, after all.
i’ve always been so foolish with girls. any quick glance through my archive will show you that. but i think with christianity in my pocket, heart, soul, or wherever it truly lies, there’s so much more to this foolishness.
because with awareness of Christ comes the monumental awareness of the self. who i am is in direct conflict with who He once was, is, and will always be. i’ve been deteriorating in spirit with the constant rehashing of the same old story: broken guy tries to help broken girl, and they just become broken together. since i’ve come to faith, its happened… 3 times? … and i don’t know why i keep letting it happen.
i mean, everyone in the whole wide universe (besides the Lord himself) is broken. EVERYONE. but it keeps happening with fallen sisters; those who had once had a passion for Him but are now shying away from His light. so how does this have to do with me? no idea. sometimes i have this ludicrous notion in my head that my influence will help these people. but who am i to boast like that? i am way not ready to guide anyone right now.
but i try.
and i try.
and i try.
i’ve prayed for change so often. prayed for my heart to just desire YOU, God. but this is getting frustrating. not only because of Him, but because of myself. God is not a genie that will answer my wishes. He is of consciousness that desires to listen to my prayers. He can do all things with merely a thought, but He still desires effort from me.
but also i wish i had some accountability (hint hint)
i wish i could make a greater influence in other people’s lives. that might seem like a prideful ambition, but i truly desire to be someone that people look to for encouragement.
as of now i’m just the tall awkward kid that’s kinda bipolar/super flirty with girls. right? i think that’s a safe assumption.
that’s not who i want to be though. i’m not expecting God to change me into a perfect person (no matter how hard I pray), but i want to be better than the person i am.
better than someone who not only struggles with, but also sins with acts of lust, lethargy, and general lack of self control. better than someone that fills up a day with extracurricular activities then complains about bad grades. better than someone who has an often offensive sense of humor and a tendency for bluntness. better than who i am.
i am not saying that who i am now is horrible, for God made me this way. but i know that God also intended for this to just be the shell of who i can be. somewhere inside is the person that i imagine. a more Christ-like man that can really be a rock in both KCCC and GSF ministries. i really hope that the transformation isn’t too slow.
i don’t want to be impatient but at the same time i truly desire to know Him and myself better.
i just listened to a sermon about change.
a post from my friend sarah compelled me to look up pastor jae park. I was surprised by him actually, he was nothing like I expected! it was a good sermon though.
how often do we actually consider the changes of those around us? pastor park talks about how cosmetic changes can be the biggest hint of a spiritual or emotional change within the heart. that something so simple and superficial can be a call for help. but as humans we’re so stubborn. honestly why is it so hard?
why can’t we just open up our voices and let out what we’re feeling? how can we expect someone to reach out to us if all we give them is a new haircut or a change of clothes as a signal?
open up your hearts to those around you. but if not, I think those brothers and sisters around you will know when you need help.
oh yeah, and God’s always there for you too.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
and with a resounding strike, He changed me.
as if a lightning bolt was there to shake my foundation, I opened my eyes to see a new world. I was ready to do my part, to become a soldier for His worthy crusade.
this one act of immeasurable grace tore open the sky, ripped the clouds apart and let the sun shine on me for the first time in my broken life. I felt the light of His glory upon my face and knew I wanted nothing but this for the rest of eternity.
I praise Him with all my heart; truly, you are my God.