walk with me as i walk with Him
just a thought as i was walking:
i really would like to step before God with confidence. not in a state of sinlessness, but with the conviction that i have lived a righteous life. that would be a glorious feeling.
thus, i must move past myself and towards Him.
more and more in my life, i’ve begun to realize how much prayer needs to be the center of my life. yes, “pray about it,” even in my less than two years of faith, has already become a hackneyed phrase. yet i’m inclined to think that it each repetition of those words is absolutely necessary for the growth of His kingdom.
“pray about it.” why are some of the most simple commands the hardest to follow through with? in every relationship i’ve known - platonic, romantic, what-have-you, the place where i fall short has always been my lack of prayer. i think that sometimes i’m just so scared of what God has in store for me. what will this person think? what will she say when i tell her? how is he going to judge me now?
but He calls us simply to pray. we need to “Yadah,” or extend a hand to God and have a relationship with Him. that is how my relationships can grow. only through an immense love for the one that calls us to life.
come at me, dpd. i’m ready for you.
i had an asc meeting tonight, and an organization known as Manavi spoke to us about gender roles. how so often society, and somewhat more prominently in asian culture, women and men are expected to adhere to those norms. isn’t that the life of the christian too? we are so consumed with what the world wants or how we can please the world that our obligation to PRAISE God falls to the wayside. that happens to me all too often.
but this meeting had me thinking: if these women have a help center where they can go to rise out of their abusive or submissive relationships, then where do we go? well duh.
(sunday school answer) JESUS.
i was compelled to pray a little on the walk back, and i sang out loud the chorus of “My Soul Sings” several times.
we are called to be strong, disciplined, loving, controlled, respectful, all these things. and honestly, these are things that the world sometimes goes against. so when i’m weak, when i’m weary, i will call upon God to lift me up from my abusive relationship with the world. He will be my first step to recovery. I will share this truth onto others.
Let my soul sing and declare my love for Him.
i’ve never been one to be open to my family. it’s always been hard, but i think knowing God, knowing that i have a Father who loves me unconditionally, made me more receptive to one fact: i have a whole FAMILY that loves me unconditionally.
it is something that i’m grateful for but never really appreciative enough for. but today was thanksgiving, and i really wanted to change that.
i wanted to pray for our dinner today, but i chickened out. i told grace that i would! … but when the time came, the food was all ready and i was not. but it was okay. i really enjoyed the food :)
on thanksgiving, we always finish our dinner with a circle of “what am i thankful for.”
it was weird this year. i went first (because i’m the youngest) and for the first time, i spoke freely.
let me give some background:
when i say i have never opened up to my family, i mean it. in all actuality, even the tone of voice that i use when i am at home is so different. i always become the 막내 again, usually staying in my room unless im called and talking only to say a joke or correct another person. i have always shied away from those “real” conversations. whether it was my grades or girls or faith, i was always brief with my answers before i ran away.
this is very much how i am now with my friends and everyone in the world. being unsure of how to act in many situations just leaves me to be a jerk or the “funny guy.” its sad and scary and makes me AWKWARD lotsa times. but oh well, this is me.
so after our thanksgiving dinner, i was the first one to share about that which i have been thankful. in a really unexpected move, i began with “i am honestly thankful for God.” this was weird. i am very closed about God because i dont know what to expect from the family.
BUT THIS IS MY FAMILY, THEY LOVE ME. (freaking keeyeon)
i continued, voice shaking, but confidence rising. it was honestly weird to hear my real voice out loud. anyway, i laid it out for them. ”honestly, its such a blessing that i have… everything in my life. i dont deserve any of this at all. i know i’m not very good at this but one thing about God is that if call myself a “christian,” then i should always be trying to love upon you guys.”
there was more, or maybe there was less, but the fact is that i really just came out of the proverbial closet with it: i love God and He has helped me realize how much i love my family.
there was more to this night. honestly it was one of the best thanksgivings i remember.
thank You. (and you and you and you and you and whoever else)
im so distraught.
i’ve realized, ridiculously late, that my cycle of brokenness has not yet even begun to cease. i mean, it is a cycle, after all.
i’ve always been so foolish with girls. any quick glance through my archive will show you that. but i think with christianity in my pocket, heart, soul, or wherever it truly lies, there’s so much more to this foolishness.
because with awareness of Christ comes the monumental awareness of the self. who i am is in direct conflict with who He once was, is, and will always be. i’ve been deteriorating in spirit with the constant rehashing of the same old story: broken guy tries to help broken girl, and they just become broken together. since i’ve come to faith, its happened… 3 times? … and i don’t know why i keep letting it happen.
i mean, everyone in the whole wide universe (besides the Lord himself) is broken. EVERYONE. but it keeps happening with fallen sisters; those who had once had a passion for Him but are now shying away from His light. so how does this have to do with me? no idea. sometimes i have this ludicrous notion in my head that my influence will help these people. but who am i to boast like that? i am way not ready to guide anyone right now.
but i try.
and i try.
and i try.
i’ve prayed for change so often. prayed for my heart to just desire YOU, God. but this is getting frustrating. not only because of Him, but because of myself. God is not a genie that will answer my wishes. He is of consciousness that desires to listen to my prayers. He can do all things with merely a thought, but He still desires effort from me.
but also i wish i had some accountability (hint hint)
“do you believe in Me the way I believe in you?”
“do you believe in Me the way I believe in you?”
“do you believe in Me the way I believe in you?”
what is it about talking sharing God that can bring so much life into my heart?
I just attempted to share the gospel with one of my good friend girls. i really hope I did a good job. a lot of what i said came from what i learned in the 4 spiritual laws, but even moreso just came from what i’ve experienced and learned. i’m hoping that God really lead me tonight. it was only a facebook chat but she seemed genuinely curious about Him. she was raised in a catholic family but didn’t seem to know too much about the beauty of God. neither do i, really, but i did my best.
wow but the Holy Spirit really worked tonight. i hope He worked in her, but i know He worked in me. I think this experience served to provide a lot of spiritual healing for me. I had been struggling through a bit of a dry spell recently and this was really encouraging :)
i wish i could make a greater influence in other people’s lives. that might seem like a prideful ambition, but i truly desire to be someone that people look to for encouragement.
as of now i’m just the tall awkward kid that’s kinda bipolar/super flirty with girls. right? i think that’s a safe assumption.
that’s not who i want to be though. i’m not expecting God to change me into a perfect person (no matter how hard I pray), but i want to be better than the person i am.
better than someone who not only struggles with, but also sins with acts of lust, lethargy, and general lack of self control. better than someone that fills up a day with extracurricular activities then complains about bad grades. better than someone who has an often offensive sense of humor and a tendency for bluntness. better than who i am.
i am not saying that who i am now is horrible, for God made me this way. but i know that God also intended for this to just be the shell of who i can be. somewhere inside is the person that i imagine. a more Christ-like man that can really be a rock in both KCCC and GSF ministries. i really hope that the transformation isn’t too slow.
i don’t want to be impatient but at the same time i truly desire to know Him and myself better.
i’ve started reading Radical by David Platt and it has been changing my view on my faith a lot. okay, maybe its not changing, but the book is really making me question where my priorities lie.
if you don’t know, Radical flips the american dream on its axis, stating that it is inherently against the Gospel. i can’t help but completely agree. the American Dream is essentially a justification of the “prosperity gospel:” if i succeed in life through works and various achievements, God will meet me at the top of the social ladder!
God has already met us at the bottom. when Jesus stepped down from HEAVEN to become human and live a life full of temptation, He lowered Himself below any of us, being subjected to suffering that no one has since experienced.
but back to the book.
as i’ve pondered over what David Platt has to say, i can’t help to think that the title is misleading. ”Radical.” the title implies that the Christianity that we should seek is a wild concept, something that has never before been proposed. but i think this is another result of our American Dream, our affluence and good fortune. this “radical” Christianity is simply how we SHOULD be living. we should not strive to make our churches more appealing, our music more “holy,” etc. and i’m not saying that this is the worst thing, i just think our priorities are out of order. before a physical growth in a church, Platt stresses that these congregations should be simple gatherings and teachings of God’s Word.
for example, this arena. is that necessary? such a lavish, grandiose place to hear God’s Word? do those people go to this church to hear God speak or just for this unique experience where church becomes a spectacle?
its way too much. we need to go back to the Bible and recognize that God is not asking for anything radical. if anything, He is asking simply that we delve into His Word and NOT have His bride become a spectacle for the entertainment of a crowd.
note: i babbled so much and i think a lot of this is tangential… but whatever!
where has another such man existed in our history? a prophet with an unimaginable connection to God. someone who conveyed God’s Word with such eloquence and such faithfulness.
and yet, with ONE transgression against God, He was shunned from the Promise Land. In perfect mind and perfect health, Moses went to die on Mount Nebo for a sin that we commit every single day.
Moses was a great man, “whom the Lord knew face to face,” and he was denied the promise land (Deut 34:10).
We are so sinful and because of Jesus we are given ALL the treasures of Heaven.
I still complain. I still yearn for more.
God let me grateful. Let me appreciate all that You have given, WHO You have sacrificed.